4 Steps to Calmly Manage Toddler Tantrums

Tantrums are a big challenge for parents during the early years. When your little one is laid out on the floor of the grocery store bawling their eyes out or melting down at bedtime, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or even helpless. It’s also natural because you’re human. Tantrums are an inconvenience, that’s just the truth, but they’re also a normal part of toddler development.

Tantrums happen because toddlers have big emotions, underdeveloped self-regulation skills, and limited ways to communicate their needs. Our job as parents is to guide them through these moments with calm and connection, helping them build the skills they need to manage their emotions in the future. Below I share a simple five-step process to help you navigate tantrums with confidence and patience.

1. Regulate Yourself First

Before you try to calm your toddler, you need to check in with yourself. Your child takes their cues from you, and if you’re dysregulated, it will only escalate the situation. You need to model the process of emotion regulation, so that you can respond to your toddler with patience and transfer you calm to them through co-regulation.

2. Co-Regulate

Once you’re calm, you can support your toddler in regulating their emotions. Through co-regulation, you help your toddler return to a regulated state by transfering your calm to them. This process helps children develop self-regulation skills.

Some ways to co-regulate:

• Get down to their level and speak in a calm, reassuring tone.

• Acknowledge & label their feelings: “I see you’re really upset right now

• Offer physical comfort if they are open to it: a hug, hand on their back, or simply being near them.

• Use simple, soothing phrases: “I’m here. It's ok.”

3. Meet the Underlying Need

There is always an underlying cause and a need that your toddler is trying to communicate. Once you understand what the need is, you can address it appropriately.

Some needs beneath the tantrum:

• Hunger – Is it close to mealtime? Have they had a snack recently?

• Fatigue – Is it past their nap or bedtime?

• Overstimulation – Is the environment too loud, busy, or overwhelming?

• A need for autonomy – Are they resisting because they want to feel in control?

• Frustration from underdeveloped language skills – Do they lack the words to express their needs?

4. Make a Plan

After the tantrum has passed, it’s time to think ahead. How can you be intentional and decrease the frequency of these tantrums that occuring? Your approach will vary based on your child’s age and stage of development.

• For young toddlers (under 2.5 years): Focus on proactive strategies to decrease the behavior and set your child up for success. This might mean adjusting routines, creating more moments throughout the day connection, offering more choices, or teaching simple coping strategies like deep breaths outside of stressful moments.

• For older toddlers (2.5+ years): Once everyone is calm, include your toddler in the planning process by revisiting the situation. Calmly set a clear boundary for how to appropriately express their needs and collaborate on a solution. Encourage your toddler to be part of the problem-solving process to help them learn and grow. By making a plan, you empower your toddler with the tools they need to handle similar situations in the future.                

Parenting isn’t about eliminating tantrums altogether (because they will happen), but about reducing their intensity and frequency over time. The more you prioritize connection, emotional regulation, and problem-solving, the better equipped your child will be to manage big emotions. Tantrums can feel overwhelming, but when you approach them with patience and grace, they become powerful teaching moments.

Next time your toddler has a tantrum, remember:
✔️ Regulate yourself first.
✔️ Co-regulate.
✔️ Identify and meet the underlying need.
✔️ Make a plan for next time.

Do you struggle with staying calm during tantrums? Sign up for the free 5 day Yell Less, Connect More Challenge. During the challenge you'll learn how to:

👉🏾Pause before reacting so you don’t yell out of frustration
👉🏾Identify your triggers and emotions before they take over
👉🏾Use simple techniques to regulate your emotions in the moment
👉🏾Discipline in a way that teaches, not punishes

You can sign up for the challenge here ➡️ Yell Less, Connect More

Why Do Toddlers Tantrum?

As a toddler mom, I know you’re no stranger to tantrums! Can anyone tell me why they always seem to strike at the most inconvenient times?? I remember one time when my toddler had a tantrum while we were doing some Christmas shopping because she wanted every toy she laid her eyes on. I initially felt embarrassed because I could feel the judgmental eyes of everyone around me. Years ago, I would have just walked out the store to avoid the uncomfortable feelings, but instead I took a deep breath and said, "l know you see so many cool toys and you wish you could have them, but we’re here to buy gifts for our family." Did she ask for another toy? Yes. Did I give in? No. Instead, I redirected her attention by asking her to help me pick out gifts. She loves to help out, so I knew it would make her feel good to be included in the gift picking process and it ended the tantrum. I’d call that a win-win. 

Tantrums can be exhausting and frustrating for everyone involved, but the truth is, they're a normal part of emotionsl development in toddlers. Studies have shown that 90% of children under age three have atleast one tantrum a day. When you understand why the tantrum is happening and know how to calmly respond, you’ll be able to navigate them with ease and confidence- and you’ll start to foster cooperation more quickly with less back and forth. 

Why Toddlers Tantrum

Tantrums occur because toddlers are still learning how to process and communicate their emotions. At this stage, especially with young toddlers age three and under, language skills, emotional regulation, and coping mechanisms are underdeveloped. This makes them more likely to express frustration, overstimulation, or unmet needs through crying, yelling, or even hitting. I've spoken with parents of older toddlers who say, "My child is verbal and able to express his needs. Why does he still have tantrums?" Well, just like my own toddler who is usually able to tell me what she wants, he hasn’t yet developed the ability to calm himself down and think logically when he is overwhelmed or frustrated. 

The prefrontal cortex which is the upper part of the brain that controls critical thinking and impulse control doesn't begin to develop until about age four and isn't fully developed until the late twenties. When triggered, the lower part of the brain, which controls automatic functions, like heartbeat and fight or flight responses takes over and toddlers respond to the trigger in the only ways they know how. As parents, we need to be able to guide young children through their tantrums and model how to properly process and manage emotions.

Underlying Causes of Tantrums

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard someone say that when a child has a tantrum it’s because they’re spoiled, bad, or being manipulative. After a decade of working in the early childhood field, I’ve learned that behavior is a form of communication and when children display unwanted behavior, they’re communicating an underlying need. Once you’ve gained an understanding of your toddler’s temperament, skill level, and cues, it becomes easier to determine the underlying cause of the behavior. I’ve listed some of those underlying causes below. 

Lack of Communication Skills: Toddlers are transitioning from the stage of infancy to early childhood, and their ability to communicate their needs and desires is still developing. Frustration can arise when they struggle to express themselves and their needs effectively, leading to outbursts of anger or sadness. 

Desire for Control: As toddlers begin to assert their independence, they also experience a growing desire for autonomy. However, their limited control over their environment can lead to frustration.  

Undue Attention: Toddlers crave attention and interaction from their caregivers. They may resort to tantrums to gain attention, even if it is negative. Young children quickly learn that their behavior during a tantrum can elicit a strong response from adults, inadvertently reinforcing this behavior in the future.

Coping with Overstimulation: Toddlers are constantly exploring the world around them, and their senses are bombarded with new experiences. Overstimulation, such as too much noise, bright lights, or crowded spaces, can overwhelm their developing nervous systems. A tantrum may be their way of coping with the sensory overload and seeking a break from the stimulation.

Four Ways to Decrease the Frequency of Tantrums

While tantrums are inevitable, there are ways to reduce how often they happen:

Set Predictable Routines

Toddlers thrive on structure. Predictable routines help them feel secure and reduce the anxiety that can trigger meltdowns. Keep meal, nap, and playtimes consistent so your child knows what to expect.

Give Choices

Toddlers crave independence, so offer them small, age-appropriate choices throughout the day. For example, “Do you want the blue cup or the green cup?” Giving them a sense of control helps prevent power struggles.

Prioritize Connection 

Tantrums are often a signal that your child needs connection. Spend intentional, uninterrupted time with them each day—whether it’s reading, playing, or snuggling. When their emotional tank is full, they’re less likely to act out for attention.

Develop a Parenting Toolbox

To support positive growth and development, you need an array of tools that you can pull out to guide, connect, instruct, and correct your child. Relying on consequences alone will have adverse effects on the development of your child and on your relationship with him, leading to more frequent tantrums and unwanted behaviors. 

Leaning on God’s Grace

Every child is unique, and finding the most effective strategies to handle tantrums may require some trial and error. You don’t have to navigate this season alone. Lean on God’s grace to fill the gaps when you feel overwhelmed. Scriptures like 2 Corinthians 12:9 remind us that His grace is sufficient for us, even in our weakness. With practice, you’ll find yourself responding with more calm and grace, deepening your connection with your child and modeling the love of Christ.

For more personalized support, join the community founded by a mom for moms like you! Rooted in Grace is a membership that will provides resources to help you practically implement biblical principles and calm parenting tools everyday. 

As a member, you’ll learn how to:

1. Master Grace-Based Discipline – Build a foundation of love, connection, and compassion.

2. Become Untriggered – Identify and manage parenting triggers so you can respond calmly.

3. Parent with Intention – Align your mindset and actions with biblical principles for consistency.

4. Build Your Toolbox – Implement practical strategies to address challenging behaviors effectively.

Rooted in Grace is more than just a membership; it’s a supportive, faith-filled community where moms like you can grow emotionally, spiritually, and practically.

Join the community here

How to address parenting triggers and shift from reactive to responsive with Grace-based parenting

Parenting toddlers can feel like riding a rollercoaster of emotions—both theirs and yours. One moment, you’re enjoying a cuddle, and the next, your toddler is melting down because their banana broke in half. If you’ve ever found yourself reacting emotionally in moments like this, you’re not alone. I remember one night, I was so close to losing my temper with my toddler. I was sitting in bed with her and she asked for my phone. I told her she couldn't have it, but she could use her tablet for a little while. Well, she didn't like that answer and the whining commenced. I heard "I want your phone" repeatedly for what felt like hours (honestly, it was maybe two minutes). Then she started tugging on my shirt. I could feel my body temperature rising and my face tensing up. This moment could have been filled with yelling and tears, but I knew I had a choice. I didn't have to succumb to my emotions of frustration and annoyance. So, I paused and went inward. I noticed what was happening in the moment and whispered to myself, "I can't control her actions but I can control my reactions." 

These moments of anger, overwhelm, and frustration that we have with our toddlers are often caused by parenting triggers—but what exactly are parenting triggers, and how can you move from reacting out of anger to responding with grace?

What Are Parenting Triggers?

Parenting triggers are specific behaviors, situations, or circumstances that evoke a strong emotional reaction in you. These triggers often stem from unmet needs like lack of sleep, past experiences, or personal stressors.

Some common parenting triggers include:

• Defiance: When your toddler refuses to listen or says “no” to everything.

• Tantrums: Screaming, kicking, or crying over seemingly small issues.

• Whining: Repetitive complaining or demanding behavior.

• Mess-making: When your child spills, breaks, or scatters things.

Triggers vary from person to person, but they all have one thing in common—they make it harder to stay calm and composed.

Why Do We React Emotionally When Triggered?

When a trigger occurs, it can feel like your toddler is “pushing your buttons.” But the truth is, the strong reaction often comes from within:

1. Unresolved Past Experiences

2. Your upbringing may shape your response to certain behaviors. For example, if you were scolded for being messy as a child, your toddler’s mess might feel especially frustrating.

3. Unmet Needs

4. When your child’s behavior doesn’t match your expectations, it can trigger feelings of frustration or disappointment.

When you react emotionally, it’s often because your nervous system is in “fight or flight” mode, seeing your child’s behavior as a threat to your control, peace, or identity as a parent.

Manage Your Emotions with The P.A.R.R. Method

It’s easy to let your emotions escalate when your toddler is melting down. But as moms, we’re called to be the calm in their storm. James 1:19-20 says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." Responding in anger generally doesn't yield the results we want. Instead of allowing your anger to control you, let it be a signal that you need to shift gears, so that you can effectively lead your toddler through the moment because they need your calm, even if they don't want it. That's where the P.A.R.R. method comes in. This method which I created and teach within my membership community, Rooted in Grace is meant to guide you through the self regulation process and take you from triggered to centered and in control. P.A.R.R. stands for:

1. Pause

When your toddler starts to lose control, take a deep breath before reacting. Pausing helps you resist the urge to yell, punish, or rush to fix things. It allows you to center yourself and approach the situation with clarity and calm.

Acknowledge

In this moment you're not stuffing your feelings, instead your going inward, recognizing and accepting your emotions without shame. Facing your uncomfortable feelings head on will give you the control you need to manage the moment. Your toddler has essentially lost control of their emotions, you need to stay in control of yours.

Regulate

Your toddler’s tantrum doesn’t have to trigger your own. Use grounding techniques to regulate yourself—deep breathing, praying for patience, or silently reciting a calming scripture like Philippians 4:6-7. When you stay calm, you model emotional regulation for your child.

Respond

Once you’re calm, you can respond in a way that nurtures connection and teaching. Consider what your child needs in this moment. The child's core need is what’s motivating their behavior. I have a free resource that addresses five common toddler triggers, the underlying needs driving the behavior, and steps you can take to calmly respond with grace. You can download it here.

Parenting triggers are a natural part of raising toddlers, but they don’t have to control your responses. By pausing, regulating your emotions, and calmly responding in the moment, you can break the cycle of reactivity and parent with intention and grace. Remember, grace-based parenting isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up with God’s love and patience, while creating an environment for learning and lasting connection.

How to Use Authority and Grace to Guide your Toddler

As a mom, it’s natural to face moments when you feel unsure about how to handle your toddler’s behavior. They experience many moments of big emotions, and their natural desire for control can sometimes make parenting feel like a struggle. However, as Christian moms, we have a God-given authority to guide, protect, and raise our children with love, discipline, and grace. Part of making the shift from reactive parenting to Grace based-parenting is accepting that you cannot control your child, but you do have God’s authority to raise them according to His will and be a living example of his love and grace. Below, I’m going to share three ways to exercise that authority in a way that strengthens your relationship with your toddler and nurtures their growth.

1. Be Consistent in Your Authority

One of the primary causes of resistance from toddlers is their desire for control. This stage of development is all about exploring independence, which can make setting boundaries challenging. However, being consistent in your authority is key to helping your toddler understand that you’re not just someone who reacts to their behavior but someone who lovingly guides them toward what’s best. When you consistently set boundaries and offer acceptable alternatives to unwanted behaviors, your toddler learns that boundaries aren’t there to limit their freedom but to keep them safe and support their learning. By maintaining consistency, you are showing them that part of your role as a parent is to help them learn the skills and behaviors they need for success in life.

For example, if your child is throwing toys, consistently stepping in and offering an alternative like throwing a soft ball outside helps them understand that the behavior isn’t being stopped just because you say so, but because there’s a better way to express that energy. Over time, this consistency teaches them that your authority as a parent is there to guide them toward healthy and appropriate actions.

2. Don’t Just Discipline—Instruct

Children communicate through their behavior, and as a parent, it’s essential to understand that you’re not just responding to what they do but to the belief or feeling that drives it. Discipline in the form of setting boundaries and consequences can stop unwanted behavior in the moment, but it’s the instruction that creates lasting change. After a challenging moment, when emotions have settled, take a few minutes to have a quick conversation with your child. This allows you to help them understand why their behavior was unacceptable and how they can take accountability for it. It’s also an opportunity to introduce a more acceptable replacement behavior or to teach a new skill. When you instruct your child rather than simply disciplining, you’re addressing the root cause of the behavior and helping them grow emotionally and behaviorally.

For example, if your toddler grabs toys from a friend during playtime, simply telling them not to grab might stop the behavior in the moment. But taking time to explain why sharing is important, introducing phrases like “Can I have a turn?” and encouraging them to practice this new skill helps them learn to navigate social interactions in a healthier way. Instruction turns discipline into a teaching moment that helps your child grow into the person God created them to be.

3. Choose to Display Grace and Compassion

Parenting toddlers often brings out big emotions—not just in them but in us too. It’s easy to react when you’re tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed, but one of the most powerful ways to exercise your God-given authority is by choosing to display grace and compassion, even in the toughest moments. No matter how many mistakes we make, God’s grace is always available to us—even in the midst of consequences. As parents, we are living examples of God’s love for our children, and choosing to be as gracious and compassionate as He is teaches them about His goodness. Your child needs to experience your love most when they’re struggling. Grace doesn’t mean avoiding consequences; it means approaching discipline with understanding and empathy.

For instance, when your toddler has a meltdown, reacting out of frustration might escalate the situation. Instead, pausing to offer a comforting hug and calmly explaining what went wrong can help them process their emotions more effectively. This not only helps them feel safe but also shows them that, just like God, you are there for them even when things get messy.

As you exercise your authority as a parent, remember that God has entrusted you with the sacred role of guiding your child toward a life of love, respect, and faith. By being consistent, instructing rather than just disciplining, and choosing to display grace and compassion, you’re not only shaping their behavior—you’re shaping their heart. Parenting is a journey, but with God’s guidance and grace, you have everything you need to lead your child in love and help them grow into the person they’re meant to be. Keep trusting in His plan for you and your family as you walk this path together.