4 Steps to Calmly Manage Toddler Tantrums
Tantrums are a big challenge for parents during the early years. When your little one is laid out on the floor of the grocery store bawling their eyes out or melting down at bedtime, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or even helpless. It’s also natural because you’re human. Tantrums are an inconvenience, that’s just the truth, but they’re also a normal part of toddler development.
Tantrums happen because toddlers have big emotions, underdeveloped self-regulation skills, and limited ways to communicate their needs. Our job as parents is to guide them through these moments with calm and connection, helping them build the skills they need to manage their emotions in the future. Below I share a simple five-step process to help you navigate tantrums with confidence and patience.
1. Regulate Yourself First
Before you try to calm your toddler, you need to check in with yourself. Your child takes their cues from you, and if you’re dysregulated, it will only escalate the situation. You need to model the process of emotion regulation, so that you can respond to your toddler with patience and transfer you calm to them through co-regulation.
2. Co-Regulate
Once you’re calm, you can support your toddler in regulating their emotions. Through co-regulation, you help your toddler return to a regulated state by transfering your calm to them. This process helps children develop self-regulation skills.
Some ways to co-regulate:
Get down to their level and speak in a calm, reassuring tone.
Acknowledge & label their feelings: “I see you’re really upset right now
Offer physical comfort if they are open to it: a hug, hand on their back, or simply being near them.
Use simple, soothing phrases: “I’m here. It's ok.”
3. Meet the Underlying Need
There is always an underlying cause and a need that your toddler is trying to communicate. Once you understand what the need is, you can address it appropriately.
Some needs beneath the tantrum:
Hunger – Is it close to mealtime? Have they had a snack recently?
Fatigue – Is it past their nap or bedtime?
Overstimulation – Is the environment too loud, busy, or overwhelming?
A need for autonomy – Are they resisting because they want to feel in control?
Frustration from underdeveloped language skills – Do they lack the words to express their needs?
4. Make a Plan
After the tantrum has passed, it’s time to think ahead. How can you be intentional and decrease the frequency of these tantrums that occuring? Your approach will vary based on your child’s age and stage of development.
For young toddlers (under 2.5 years): Focus on proactive strategies to decrease the behavior and set your child up for success. This might mean adjusting routines, creating more moments throughout the day connection, offering more choices, or teaching simple coping strategies like deep breaths outside of stressful moments.
For older toddlers (2.5+ years): Once everyone is calm, include your toddler in the planning process by revisiting the situation. Calmly set a clear boundary for how to appropriately express their needs and collaborate on a solution. Encourage your toddler to be part of the problem-solving process to help them learn and grow. By making a plan, you empower your toddler with the tools they need to handle similar situations in the future.
Parenting isn’t about eliminating tantrums altogether (because they will happen), but about reducing their intensity and frequency over time. The more you prioritize connection, emotional regulation, and problem-solving, the better equipped your child will be to manage big emotions. Tantrums can feel overwhelming, but when you approach them with patience and grace, they become powerful teaching moments.
Next time your toddler has a tantrum, remember:
✔️ Regulate yourself first.
✔️ Co-regulate.
✔️ Identify and meet the underlying need.
✔️ Make a plan for next time.
Do you struggle with staying calm during tantrums? Sign up for the free 5 day Yell Less, Connect More Challenge. During the challenge you'll learn how to:
👉🏾Pause before reacting so you don’t yell out of frustration
👉🏾Identify your triggers and emotions before they take over
👉🏾Use simple techniques to regulate your emotions in the moment
👉🏾Discipline in a way that teaches, not punishes
You can sign up for the challenge here ➡️ Yell Less, Connect More
