Why Do Toddlers Tantrum?
As a toddler mom, I know you’re no stranger to tantrums! Can anyone tell me why they always seem to strike at the most inconvenient times?? I remember one time when my toddler had a tantrum while we were doing some Christmas shopping because she wanted every toy she laid her eyes on. I initially felt embarrassed because I could feel the judgmental eyes of everyone around me. Years ago, I would have just walked out the store to avoid the uncomfortable feelings, but instead I took a deep breath and said, "l know you see so many cool toys and you wish you could have them, but we’re here to buy gifts for our family." Did she ask for another toy? Yes. Did I give in? No. Instead, I redirected her attention by asking her to help me pick out gifts. She loves to help out, so I knew it would make her feel good to be included in the gift picking process and it ended the tantrum. I’d call that a win-win.
Tantrums can be exhausting and frustrating for everyone involved, but the truth is, they're a normal part of emotionsl development in toddlers. Studies have shown that 90% of children under age three have atleast one tantrum a day. When you understand why the tantrum is happening and know how to calmly respond, you’ll be able to navigate them with ease and confidence- and you’ll start to foster cooperation more quickly with less back and forth.
Why Toddlers Tantrum
Tantrums occur because toddlers are still learning how to process and communicate their emotions. At this stage, especially with young toddlers age three and under, language skills, emotional regulation, and coping mechanisms are underdeveloped. This makes them more likely to express frustration, overstimulation, or unmet needs through crying, yelling, or even hitting. I've spoken with parents of older toddlers who say, "My child is verbal and able to express his needs. Why does he still have tantrums?" Well, just like my own toddler who is usually able to tell me what she wants, he hasn’t yet developed the ability to calm himself down and think logically when he is overwhelmed or frustrated.
The prefrontal cortex which is the upper part of the brain that controls critical thinking and impulse control doesn't begin to develop until about age four and isn't fully developed until the late twenties. When triggered, the lower part of the brain, which controls automatic functions, like heartbeat and fight or flight responses takes over and toddlers respond to the trigger in the only ways they know how. As parents, we need to be able to guide young children through their tantrums and model how to properly process and manage emotions.
Underlying Causes of Tantrums
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard someone say that when a child has a tantrum it’s because they’re spoiled, bad, or being manipulative. After a decade of working in the early childhood field, I’ve learned that behavior is a form of communication and when children display unwanted behavior, they’re communicating an underlying need. Once you’ve gained an understanding of your toddler’s temperament, skill level, and cues, it becomes easier to determine the underlying cause of the behavior. I’ve listed some of those underlying causes below.
Lack of Communication Skills: Toddlers are transitioning from the stage of infancy to early childhood, and their ability to communicate their needs and desires is still developing. Frustration can arise when they struggle to express themselves and their needs effectively, leading to outbursts of anger or sadness.
Desire for Control: As toddlers begin to assert their independence, they also experience a growing desire for autonomy. However, their limited control over their environment can lead to frustration.
Undue Attention: Toddlers crave attention and interaction from their caregivers. They may resort to tantrums to gain attention, even if it is negative. Young children quickly learn that their behavior during a tantrum can elicit a strong response from adults, inadvertently reinforcing this behavior in the future.
Coping with Overstimulation: Toddlers are constantly exploring the world around them, and their senses are bombarded with new experiences. Overstimulation, such as too much noise, bright lights, or crowded spaces, can overwhelm their developing nervous systems. A tantrum may be their way of coping with the sensory overload and seeking a break from the stimulation.
Four Ways to Decrease the Frequency of Tantrums
While tantrums are inevitable, there are ways to reduce how often they happen:
Set Predictable Routines
Toddlers thrive on structure. Predictable routines help them feel secure and reduce the anxiety that can trigger meltdowns. Keep meal, nap, and playtimes consistent so your child knows what to expect.
Give Choices
Toddlers crave independence, so offer them small, age-appropriate choices throughout the day. For example, “Do you want the blue cup or the green cup?” Giving them a sense of control helps prevent power struggles.
Prioritize Connection
Tantrums are often a signal that your child needs connection. Spend intentional, uninterrupted time with them each day—whether it’s reading, playing, or snuggling. When their emotional tank is full, they’re less likely to act out for attention.
Develop a Parenting Toolbox
To support positive growth and development, you need an array of tools that you can pull out to guide, connect, instruct, and correct your child. Relying on consequences alone will have adverse effects on the development of your child and on your relationship with him, leading to more frequent tantrums and unwanted behaviors.
Leaning on God’s Grace
Every child is unique, and finding the most effective strategies to handle tantrums may require some trial and error. You don’t have to navigate this season alone. Lean on God’s grace to fill the gaps when you feel overwhelmed. Scriptures like 2 Corinthians 12:9 remind us that His grace is sufficient for us, even in our weakness. With practice, you’ll find yourself responding with more calm and grace, deepening your connection with your child and modeling the love of Christ.
For more personalized support, join the community founded by a mom for moms like you! Rooted in Grace is a membership that will provides resources to help you practically implement biblical principles and calm parenting tools everyday.
As a member, you’ll learn how to:
Master Grace-Based Discipline – Build a foundation of love, connection, and compassion.
Become Untriggered – Identify and manage parenting triggers so you can respond calmly.
Parent with Intention – Align your mindset and actions with biblical principles for consistency.
Build Your Toolbox – Implement practical strategies to address challenging behaviors effectively.
Rooted in Grace is more than just a membership; it’s a supportive, faith-filled community where moms like you can grow emotionally, spiritually, and practically.
