How to address parenting triggers and shift from reactive to responsive with Grace-based parenting
Parenting toddlers can feel like riding a rollercoaster of emotions—both theirs and yours. One moment, you’re enjoying a cuddle, and the next, your toddler is melting down because their banana broke in half. If you’ve ever found yourself reacting emotionally in moments like this, you’re not alone. I remember one night, I was so close to losing my temper with my toddler. I was sitting in bed with her and she asked for my phone. I told her she couldn't have it, but she could use her tablet for a little while. Well, she didn't like that answer and the whining commenced. I heard "I want your phone" repeatedly for what felt like hours (honestly, it was maybe two minutes). Then she started tugging on my shirt. I could feel my body temperature rising and my face tensing up. This moment could have been filled with yelling and tears, but I knew I had a choice. I didn't have to succumb to my emotions of frustration and annoyance. So, I paused and went inward. I noticed what was happening in the moment and whispered to myself, "I can't control her actions but I can control my reactions."
These moments of anger, overwhelm, and frustration that we have with our toddlers are often caused by parenting triggers—but what exactly are parenting triggers, and how can you move from reacting out of anger to responding with grace?
What Are Parenting Triggers?
Parenting triggers are specific behaviors, situations, or circumstances that evoke a strong emotional reaction in you. These triggers often stem from unmet needs like lack of sleep, past experiences, or personal stressors.
Some common parenting triggers include:
Defiance: When your toddler refuses to listen or says “no” to everything.
Tantrums: Screaming, kicking, or crying over seemingly small issues.
Whining: Repetitive complaining or demanding behavior.
Mess-making: When your child spills, breaks, or scatters things.
Triggers vary from person to person, but they all have one thing in common—they make it harder to stay calm and composed.
Why Do We React Emotionally When Triggered?
When a trigger occurs, it can feel like your toddler is “pushing your buttons.” But the truth is, the strong reaction often comes from within:
Unresolved Past Experiences
Your upbringing may shape your response to certain behaviors. For example, if you were scolded for being messy as a child, your toddler’s mess might feel especially frustrating.
Unmet Needs
When your child’s behavior doesn’t match your expectations, it can trigger feelings of frustration or disappointment.
When you react emotionally, it’s often because your nervous system is in “fight or flight” mode, seeing your child’s behavior as a threat to your control, peace, or identity as a parent.
Manage Your Emotions with The P.A.R.R. Method
It’s easy to let your emotions escalate when your toddler is melting down. But as moms, we’re called to be the calm in their storm. James 1:19-20 says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." Responding in anger generally doesn't yield the results we want. Instead of allowing your anger to control you, let it be a signal that you need to shift gears, so that you can effectively lead your toddler through the moment because they need your calm, even if they don't want it. That's where the P.A.R.R. method comes in. This method which I created and teach within my membership community, Rooted in Grace is meant to guide you through the self regulation process and take you from triggered to centered and in control. P.A.R.R. stands for:
1. Pause
When your toddler starts to lose control, take a deep breath before reacting. Pausing helps you resist the urge to yell, punish, or rush to fix things. It allows you to center yourself and approach the situation with clarity and calm.
Acknowledge
In this moment you're not stuffing your feelings, instead your going inward, recognizing and accepting your emotions without shame. Facing your uncomfortable feelings head on will give you the control you need to manage the moment. Your toddler has essentially lost control of their emotions, you need to stay in control of yours.
Regulate
Your toddler’s tantrum doesn’t have to trigger your own. Use grounding techniques to regulate yourself—deep breathing, praying for patience, or silently reciting a calming scripture like Philippians 4:6-7. When you stay calm, you model emotional regulation for your child.
Respond
Once you’re calm, you can respond in a way that nurtures connection and teaching. Consider what your child needs in this moment. The child's core need is what’s motivating their behavior. I have a free resource that addresses five common toddler triggers, the underlying needs driving the behavior, and steps you can take to calmly respond with grace. You can download it here.
Parenting triggers are a natural part of raising toddlers, but they don’t have to control your responses. By pausing, regulating your emotions, and calmly responding in the moment, you can break the cycle of reactivity and parent with intention and grace. Remember, grace-based parenting isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up with God’s love and patience, while creating an environment for learning and lasting connection.
