Setting Limits with Toddlers: 5 Tips For a Struggle Free Approach

Parenting toddlers can sometimes feel like a losing battle. Getting through a meal time can leave you sweaty, covered in food, and feeling defeated. Showing your toddler not to hit when upset and teaching more appropriate behaviors can be challenging, especially when you're reality as a child consisted of punishment, timeouts, and "do as I say, not as I do".
Setting boundaries with toddlers can often lead to tantrums and power struggles if you don't understand how to communicate with your toddler. Toddlers are egocentric, they only see things from their perspective and they want things to go their way at all times. Understanding this, combined with parenting strategies that support collaboration and healthy development will make setting boundaries simple and you'll see a decrease in power struggles.

Will the tantrums and power struggles stop completely? No. In fact, tantrums are a sign of healthy development, so they will happen occasionally. Having the tools to calmly respond to these tantrums will make parenting a less stressful and overwhelming experience. By using a thoughtful approach, you can hold a boundary while still being loving and firm.

1. Prepare Your Toddler for What's Going to Happen
One of the best ways to avoid a power struggle is to prepare your child for transitions. Toddlers often resist sudden changes, so giving them a heads-up can make a big difference. For example, instead of abruptly announcing bedtime, say, "After this game, it's bedtime." This gives your toddler time to adjust to the idea and reduces the likelihood of resistance.

2. Make Statements, Not Questions
When setting boundaries, it's important to be clear and direct. Asking questions can sometimes give the impression that there’s a choice when there isn’t one. Instead of asking, "Are you ready to go to bed?" say, "It's time for bed." This removes ambiguity and sets a clear expectation.

3. Offer Choices After the Statement
Toddlers love feeling a sense of control, and offering choices within the boundary can help them feel empowered. After stating the boundary, offer a simple choice: "Would you like to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones?" This encourages collaboration and gives them a sense of autonomy. Be sure to give them 10-15 seconds to make their decision. If they don’t choose, you can move on to the next step.

4. Make the Choice if They're Unable To
If your toddler is unable or unwilling to make a choice, you can make it for them. This maintains the boundary and moves the process forward without getting stuck in a power struggle. For example, if they don't choose their pajamas, calmly say, "Since you didn't choose, I'll pick the red pajamas for you."

5. Maintain the Boundary
Once a boundary is set, it's crucial to maintain it. Avoid back-and-forth negotiations, as this can undermine your authority and lead to more power struggles in the future. Be consistent and firm, yet loving. Let your toddler know that you are there to support them, but the boundary remains in place.

Setting boundaries with toddlers can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to lead to power struggles. By preparing your child for transitions, making clear statements, offering choices, and maintaining the boundary, you can create a positive and cooperative environment. Remember, you can hold a boundary and be loving at the same time. With practice, your toddler will learn to respect the limits you set while feeling secure in your consistent and caring approach.